A Year of Pleasures: Now

“There I was, waiting, afraid I’d never experience the kind of joy yet to come, but hoping for it just the same. "                   
 ~The Year of Pleasures/Berg

now isn't later

it is

it isn't maybe

it is

now

it is the time to speak up

to tell you what's on my mind

i am living here and there

literally

i live in 2 houses

it is difficult

it is not my dream or wish

my husband struggles too

it is far from how i envisioned our life

as my family dynamics change

the act of telling our story changes

i feel a strong urge to protect what is mine

they are, after all my people

no matter what

i do not have their consent
 - to tell their stories

for them

or

about them

and so i try to share without over-sharing

when one is struggling

the veil becomes a shroud

it hurts to breathe

to be anything at all

and yet a part of me - the biggest part of me
cannot be anything more than i am

when i am here i think of there

and there? 

the same, of course

sometimes i am happy being in my own space

without him

there are perks
strange word - i know
but that's what it is all about

i don't have to cook every day

i focus on the things that i want to do
i don't have to compromise

but

when we meet again it is bliss
...for a short while
 

deep down

i still struggle with the idea that i could begin to live and love life fully without him

and it's not that i wouldn't be able to

it's not that i cannot be alone

it's that what we have

is what we have

and i love him regardless