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19.10.16

A Year of Pleasures: What Hussein taught me


It is so hard to just focus on the great things that are going on when everything is going on
Trying to focus on the positives is not an issue for me
the issue is feeling the need to blot out the negatives.
I want to show the beauty here.I really do, but why the hell should we cover the dirty, the ugly or the pain?

If I have learned one thing it is that everything that has happened to me
has made me who I am.Yes! Life can be that simple.
When we begin to own things that happen in our lives
we own our feelings - we learn how we make our way in the world without apologizing.
Most importantly, we learn how to navigate the murky waters of finding true happiness.

Right now.
Right here..
I grieve.

Over the years, in my own grief I have become an observer, a researcher.
I notice how people- different types of people grieve.

I have learned how to be still
and yet hold on with all my might.
I have realized that crying gives me a warmth
and that you can actually run out of tears

But in my grief
I loved
I got up to love my daughters, then my son, and now another daughter
I wished for them to never have to suffer such grief
and then I wondered how I could be so callous
after all my grief was their grief

I talked to him almost every day, even after the little ones came along.
It was my little secret.
Then suddenly
I stopped talking to him
- the boy who came and left without a warning.

He would have been 7 this year
next year 8
and so on
sadly...you never really stop counting
but you breathe slowly and deliberately
and you move with the current

I accepted this and continued to string the pieces of my life together
he was and will always be a part of my story
but he is not here.
So
I closed the door of wondering
the door of
what ifs?

I promised to focus on the living
focus on the beings that have been left behind
and continue to need me
I latched the gate of wishing and wanting more
...wanting him

When another surprise happened
I was ready
at least more ready than I would have been 1 year ago
...6 months ago

then
2 blue lines
faint
but very real
...and then
unimaginable pain
hours spent in the shower washing it all away
a life gone
down the drain

Cast away the what ifs
erase the need to question anything and everything
just keep movin
just keep on living
...life goes on.

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